We think we can soften even the hardest heart, we can create laughter and joy where there is only gloom and despair, we can change ugliness into beauty. But the fact remains, that the only person who can change you - is you. And in order to change yourself, you have to want to - very much. Because any kind of change is difficult. Therefore, it makes no sense to believe that we can change any other person - we cannot.
So given that we cannot change anybody to fit the mold we would like, my theory is that success in relationships is all about choosing the right person in the first place. You wouldn't buy a coat that was the wrong size and try and alter it and alter it to try and make it fit, would you? So similarly, if you're going to choose someone who is wrong for you, there's no point in attempting to alter them so they will "fit" you either.
There are two things we are doing wrong here: first off, we are meeting someone and being blind to their negative qualities because we are so attracted to their positive qualities. This means that we must practice more discernment when selecting a mate and not allow ourselves to be carried away by the glossy exterior so much that we don't recognize the unattractive person inside. It also means that once we detect that there are problems with this potential partner, we have to be wise and mature enough to recognize that we've made a mistake - and move on.
Secondly, we are all affected by our subconscious programming. We tend to repeat patterns which are familiar to us, even when they turn out to be uncomfortable - that's just the way the subconscious works. It likes the "known", and the familiar, and so it leads you into following well-worn paths, even if those paths always lead to disaster. Subconscious programming is based upon the relationships we formed as a child with our parents and significant people in our lives. While they are outside our control initially, we can - with effort - change or overcome our programming and make more effective choices.
For example, I'm sure you all have a female friend who is constantly complaining that the man in her life is abusive to her. All her friends advise her to leave him, and yet she cries "but I love him" - even though he beats her / is mean to her / has no money, etc. etc. Even if she manages to leave him eventually - to great sighs of relief from all her friends who have grown sick of her moaning - she will go right back and choose another guy who is equally incapable of treating her nicely. Why do we keep on choosing these self-sabotaging destructive patterns? Because of our subconscious, as I've stated above.
And so - when choosing a mate - it us up to us to choose the right person. We are completely responsible for making a wise choice. Out of the three billion other potential partners out there, do you think we have options? Of course we do. Our job is not to change anybody. Our job is to make a wise decision over the person we choose - recognizing our patterns and refusing to let them lead us astray; discerning the real underlying qualities of the person we're considering; being aware of "red flags" or messages from our intuitive self, and not ignoring them; heeding the misgivings of friends and family who may be more alert to potential problems because they have not been blinded by physical attractions.
We all deserve to find the perfect partner. And if we follow these precepts, we need suffer no longer but step into a joyful and mutually loving relationship.
